A 2021 article in The Humanistic Psychologist attempts to break down the concept of self-love, uncovering three themes: “Self-touch, defined as paying attention to yourself; self-acceptance, defined as making peace with yourself; and self-care, defined To protect and take care of yourself.”
Sounds good, right? We should all love ourselves, improve ourselves, and be kind to ourselves. Although the concept of self-love is popular, it can be confusing and is sometimes used as a mask to cover up behaviors that are actually toxic.
Self-love is allowing yourself to receive unconditional love and support despite our inherent human flaws. However, when self-love is misused as an excuse to avoid certain behaviors, it can become tainted, which often breeds toxicity in your relationships.
So, how do you know if your self-love practices are toxic?Watch for these signs:
When it hurts others.
Have you ever seen someone justify rude or disrespectful behavior by saying that if you don’t love me at my worst, then you can’t love me at my best? This attitude is not self-love, because self-love does not harm others.
Some people believe that by saying or doing whatever they want they are speaking the truth or truth. But prejudice, hatred, judgment, neglect, or harming others in any way are toxic expressions of self-love. These people miss the real purpose behind these acts of self-love.
Examine how someone’s behavior makes you feel. If someone repeatedly makes you feel ignored, unimportant, or mean, that’s toxic.
It is recommended to first give the other person a chance to change their behavior, explain how you feel, and negotiate to handle the situation in a respectful manner.
If the person shows no remorse or repeats the behavior, then consider releasing them from your life or moving to more acquaintance status.
When it avoids conflict.
Avoiding conflict is not showing self-love. Self-love should never be used as an excuse to avoid conflict, avoid vulnerability, or disrespect the boundaries and autonomy of others. Conflict is a healthy part of any relationship and can help you grow.
If you find yourself avoiding conflict because of “negative emotions,” then you should reflect on what conflict brings and why you want to avoid it. A loved one may bring up a specific thing about you because they love you and want to be in your life.
Self-love is acknowledging your humanity and that as a human being, we all make mistakes.
Sometimes people use boundaries as an excuse to avoid conflict.
While setting boundaries is an important part of healthy self-love, it’s important to recognize if or when setting boundaries becomes an avoidance strategy to avoid conflict or avoid having difficult but necessary conversations in the relationship.
Difficult conversations can be awkward, but they are important for growth and recovery.
When it exhibits toxic positivity.
Only positive vibes sound great, but it can be used to neglect healthy growth or open, honest communication—which is bad for your well-being.
“I just fill myself with positivity” can be an amazing and inspiring thought. However, this statement is often said when others are expressing some emotion other than happiness or joy. Therefore, it is Used to deny others’ emotional experiences, rather than acknowledging and validating them.
This is called toxic positivity. People may smile, put their arms around your shoulders, and interrupt you with a cliche like “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” This is blocking someone in the name of so-called pleasure superiority. This honors toxic positivity by suppressing your emotions and needs.
When it is an excuse for unhealthy behaviors.
Sometimes people think self-love means “doing what’s right for you.”However, this can be misused as a way to encourage unhealthy behavior.
Behavior that ultimately hurts your relationship with yourself is not true self-love, which means that after practicing this ‘self-love’ you end up feeling depressed, bad about yourself, or disconnected from yourself.
Maybe taking a 20-minute break from get off work is a form of self-love that leaves you feeling energized and ready for your next meeting. But if you take this to the extreme—extending a 20-minute break to 3 hours can help you avoid finishing a difficult project—that’s when false self-love or self-love becomes toxic. This often happens with substances too, especially food and alcohol, which can feel like a treat and a way to take care of yourself, but overindulging can do more harm than good.
Self-love can be toxic when you use it as a form of denial.
For example, ignoring the severity of symptoms by “treating” yourself with a series of massages instead of seeing a doctor. Another example is using self-care to avoid responsibilities, such as buying yourself something that feels good in the moment and ignoring mounting debt.
When it doesn’t allow room for growth.
If self-love tells you not to change yourself, that’s not self-love.
Self-love can be a toxic behavior if it encourages you to disconnect emotionally or take a positive approach to situations that require a little healthy shame—reflect on situations for self-growth and reevaluation of your core values.
Toxic self-love also creates unrealistic goals and expectations, which creates toxic shame. This is buried deep within the psyche and covered up with empty positive words rather than reflecting your true feelings or actions.
Examples of these toxic positive statements include: “No matter what, put yourself first” or “Love yourself no matter what.” These statements do not encourage change, vulnerability, or learning.
Some messages of self-love can also put pressure on people to see growth as achieving goals, striving to be better, prettier, slimmer, stronger, implying that what we experience is problematic and we One has to get away from it rather than learn from it.
That being said, self-love can still be positive.It all depends on how you treat it. The advice is to make sure positivity is more than just a quote you post on social media or something you tell yourself every day. Instead, let your self-love practice serve as a daily reminder of how you can become a better version of yourself.
When it is selfish.
Self-love is about “accepting one’s imperfections while striving to thrive in a healthy way. Those who truly love themselves will strive to seek respectful balance and harmony in all relationships.
So, if your self-love is inconsiderate of others’ feelings, it is dishonest , or narcissistic, then it is not true self-love.
The key red flag of toxic self-love is that there is a strong element of narcissism permeating the behavior. Toxic self-love will almost always result in some kind of punishment or punishment for the other person. Costs—whether through boundary violations, negative communication patterns, or disrespectful behavior. Additionally, toxic self-love can be discovered by comparing it to true self-love, which is built with respect, empathy, and Guided by consideration of self and others.
So, what exactly is self-love then?
Self-love is taking care of yourself—mentally, physically, and emotionally. It’s not all pampering and positivity. It is the mindful act of becoming aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as a way to improve your life. Self-love helps you set good values, boundaries with others, and protect your energy. It’s about self-compassion and learning how to have a better relationship with yourself—from the inside out.
It is recommended to start your journey of self-love with self-compassion. If we have a lot of negative self-talk or negative beliefs about ourselves, working on self-love may feel out of reach. When you begin this process, it’s okay to strive for self-compassion or self-forgiveness rather than self-love.
To practice self-love, it’s recommended to write down love affirmations to yourself and read them back, get proper nutrition from a balanced meal, stay hydrated, and more.T
aking care of your needs, spending time in places where you feel loved, and doing things to fill your cup are all ways you can show self-love.
Finally, don’t forget to be honest with yourself.Practicing self-love is about recognizing that you are a human being and therefore it is okay to allow yourself to make mistakes instead of getting things right. It’s okay to give yourself room to grow and explore who you are every day.
Self-love should be something that benefits you and those around you. Any behavior that excuses rude, abusive, negative, or hurtful behavior to yourself or others is actually toxic behavior in disguise. Recognizing this hidden toxicity is the first step to changing yourself or avoiding it in others.